"Chubby." "Big" "Annoying" "Stupid" "Know-It-All" "Cry Baby"
These are all names I was called before I reached the age of 10, by both friends and family. Because of these names and many more, for the past 9 years I have hated myself, and my body. I believed in every single label that people, some whom I knew all my life and others who I just met, had applied to me. In my mind I was a fat, ugly, freak who people would never like, and I hid behind different walls and masks for many of those years.
But today I am writing this post because I am proud to say that all though I may not love my body completely yet, I am beginning to be happy with who I am. I know that self-love, bullying, and mental health and illnesses are all big topics that we don't talk about often, so please allow me to try and break a little of the stigma around them, as I tell a little bit of my story.
It all started when I was around 7 years old. I was beginning to get a little chubby, and a mixture of friends and family were pointing in this out in subtle ways. I didn't care too much about it then, but I remember that this was the time where I found the very first thing about myself that I hated. My stomach. It was much rounder than the other girls, and wasn't flat. I didn't know what was causing it, but I definitely didn't like it.
As I got older I only gained more weight, and found more and more things that I despised. My round cheeks, My crooked teeth, my weird legs, my flabby arms, my thunder thighs, my big hips, my acne scared back and chest. Until one day, when I was 10, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see a single thing that I liked, and I couldn't even recognize myself.
At this age I found myself at an emotional, and mental all time low. Not only did I absolutely hate myself, but I was being picked on at school, and some other things in my life weren't going too well. I fell into depression, and began to build up my walls. From that point on I decided that I wouldn't let people effect me, and that I'd do my very best to make sure nobody felt the way that I felt.
So I entered middle school with a painted smile on my face, although I was dying on the inside. I was terrified, considering my middle school class would be significantly bigger than my elementary classes, meaning there'd be more people who would have the opportunity to judge me.
I did my best not to let this show. I tried out new styles that I thought were 'in' at the moment, and joined as many clubs as I could. I still never felt as if I belonged though, and almost felt as though maybe I just didn't belong anywhere. Even though I had people who I called friends, and was on a variety of teams and groups, I couldn't help but feel that no on would notice if I disappeared.
The following year, this began to change. I met three people, who I finally felt understood. Now I won't say their names, but these people are all still very dear friends of mine today, and have helped me through so much. They helped pick me up off the ground, and encouraged me to be who I am. Together we didn't seem to care what people thought of us, we knew that we had each other and that was all we needed. One of those people moved away about 7 months after I met her, and I'll admit, that took a hit on me. But I knew that I still had to keep going.
The next school year I hit a peak in self-confidence, and another low in body-image. I believed in myself, and knew that I could do whatever I set my mind to. I became President of the Middle School Student Council, and finally found my passion in theatre, art, music, and writing. But I still couldn't stand the sight of myself. I was now very conscious of the fact that I was bigger than a lot of the kids in my class, and began to compare myself to those around me. "Oh I wish I was skinny like her." "Oh I wish I was fit like her." "God I wish I had blue eyes, brown eyes are too average." "I wish I had smaller face. I look like a guy." I wish, I wish, I wish...
I spent so much time hating my body, and wishing to look like other people, that I became lost once again.
In grade 9, I became super lost. I had let myself down and failed at basketball try-outs. I also disappointed myself in drama auditions and was an extra in that years production. I still hid all the pain I felt, especially since I was making some new friends who were super supportive, and did their best to cheer me up. But the moment I got home, it was almost as if I was numb. I could almost physically feel all the energy drain out of me, and began to find it harder and harder to get up in the mornings.
This continued until fall of 2016. I was at home laying in bed, silently wondering the meaning of life as I scrolled through 'Pinterest', when I got an e-mail from a member of my church, someone who had basically watched me grow up. She first asked me why I wasn't in the local pageant that was held every year the previous fall, as the director of the pageant I figured she must ask this to anyone my age who hadn't entered. To be honest I had completely forgotten about the pageant that year, and couldn't of dreamed to enter it, as I saw myself as 'unfit' and 'not good enough' to enter. But I told just told her that I was too busy that year.
"Well I would love it if you entered this year. You're a beautiful young lady, Brooklyn, and I think you'd do great in the pageant." She complimented.
Now as I said, I've known this lady basically my entire life, and I didn't want to let her down, like I had many other people in my life, so I agreed.
To mine, and everyone else's, surprise, I won the pageant, and was now the official ACE Queen 2016, or if you want to be professional Miss Albert County 2016.
There's something about looking yourself in a mirror with your hair and makeup all done, and a tiara on your head, that just make you feel good about yourself. Despite what I had thought for years, someone actually saw something in me, and thought that I would be best suited for a job. To have not only one, but an army of people, that I talked to that weekend, support and believe in me was mind blowing.
As I had more people tell me what they saw in me, I began to see it in myself. I had people saying I was inspirational, talented, smart, confident, amazing, and finally beautiful. Slowly but surly their words began to sink in. That June I took my first big step, and reached out to the school's guidance counselor. She helped me find ways to cope when I get down, and helped me see that it wasn't my responsibility to make sure everything in life goes right, that I can just be myself and live in the moment.
With the help of my super amazing friend, and the endless support from my mom, I began to reach my full potential. I looked in the mirror and would actually see something I liked, and worked hard to make any dreams I have come true. I had finally found myself.
Today I know who I am. I am a confident, creative, and talented young lady, who is not going to let the world pass her by, and will use every opportunity that's given to her to her full advantage. And although I still have thing about my body that I hate, I now have things that I love as well, and know that it doesn't matter what others think of me, but what I think of myself that counts. Even though I still have my bad days, or sometimes weeks, I now smile more, and laugh more than ever, and have opened up to those closest to me.
So why am I writing this post? Because I know that there are people all around that world who struggle with body image and mental health and illness. I just want those people to know that all though it may seem like things will never get better, and that everything is going to hell, that life has a way of straightening things out, and someday things will get better, and the sun will shine again.
Please take care of yourselves, and be safe, and strong, I know you may feel broken, but broken crayons still work, and create beautiful pieces of art. And that's what you are, a work of art. You just need to find your crayon, and finish your master piece. (Does that make any sense?) Basically try new things, find what you love, be who you are, and you'll find that maybe life isn't all that bad after all. :)
Love,
The Nerdy Blogger
(Brooklyn Wilkins)
P.S. QUOTE OF THE DAY: And I said to my body, softly, "I want to be your friend." It took a long breath and replied, "I have been waiting my whole life for this." ~ Nayyirah Waheed
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